I'm afraid I have this fear of....

The further I go with my vocal lessons, the more I am learning about myself.  Today Darryl asked me what was the main thing I learned that helped me to produce more tone, and not be so closed up.  As I started giving my answer (blowing through a straw), I realized that my problem with singing really helped me identify a problem with ME.  It was a fear issue.  I was literally AFRAID to allow the words, or song, to come out of my mouth. I was afraid of being heard.  Afraid of sounding stupid. Afraid of being made fun of.  And this isn't just about singing.  It pretty describes me and how I have felt most of my life.  I've been afraid to speak, afraid to be heard in conversations, and most definitely afraid to let anyone hear my singing voice.  And what do we do when we are afraid?  We hold everything in.  

The biggest thing I had to learn while taking lessons, is that if I don't breathe out, I can't make any sound.  I know this must sound so elementary and basic to anyone reading this.  But to me, it's huge!  If singing can help me overcome my fear of being heard, I think it can help me in relationships as well.  Maybe I can learn to NOT BE AFRAID to talk to people.  Maybe I can learn how not to be afraid of sounding dumb.  And just maybe I will actually be able to speak without being flustered, or turn red, or have a melt down.  

I'm not sure where all these fears came from, but I know they have affected a good part of my life and made me vulnerable to abusive and controlling men.  I was too afraid to speak my mind and break free from them.  And it has certainly kept me from being able to participate in conversations, because even when I TRIED to speak up, I was either too quiet for anyone to hear me, or I was just awkward and clumsy because I didn't know how to get my words out.  Obviously I wasn't scared and nervous in all situations, because there are times when I talk too much, but certainly it has been an issue in my life. 

I'm so glad I'm learning how to breathe, and how to speak, and how to sing.  It is a great release for me, and a tool for growth. I do have a voice for speaking words and for singing, and I want so much to be able to use it without fear.   I'm so thankful that I won't die with my music still in me.

I, even I, will sing to the Lord; 
I will sing praise to the Lord God of Israel.

Judges 5:3 

While I live I will praise the Lord; 
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

Psalm 146:2