Leading hymns...and more

Ryan and I finally had our week to lead hymns at Frontline's traditional service.  I think it went well.  I'm grateful that we had the opportunity, and thankful that my son does this with me.  

John Records took this picture during The Love of God

And here are 2 bonus Winnie pictures!  So freaking adorable!  

 Today I read a meme that felt all too true to me.  It said: "I'm living to make you proud of me!  I want you to look down upon me, saying, "That's my girl!"  Especially when Ryan and I sang, because Darryl was always my biggest cheerleader and encourager.  But also with just the day to days things.

I don't believe that Darryl is up there actually looking down on me, but it is crazy that I feel like I go through my days thinking "I wish he could see how strong and brave I am.  I wish he could see how I handled this or that."  And I know he can't hear me, but that doesn't stop me from talking to him at random times during the day.  And I do wonder what he would think if he could see all the stuff I have to do each day.  I think in the back of my mind how I want him to be proud of me for getting so much done.  And sometimes I yell at him for leaving me.  Sometimes when I'm talking to God I ask him to talk to Darryl and tell him what I'm doing.  I know these things may seem silly, but they help me to survive.  It's been just about 5 months and I still can't really think about him or talk about him much or I'll well up with tears.

I have a lot of projects going on in the house right now.   These things are healing to me and helping me to feel at home in this house.  I'm trying to make it MY home, and it's been both fun and quite challenging.  I don't know if I'm making good decisions or bad decisions but I'm trusting God to lead me and guide me and even protect me from anyone trying to give me wrong advice.  I know I'm not always thinking clearly but I am facing each day and trying my best to continue on to the next day, and the next...

And pretty soon it will be spring, and then summer when I will have to face many memories.  It is all pretty terrifying.  But God...

Keeping busy

Hilary took me out for brunch this week.  Such a sweetie...

We went to the 76th Street Diner.   It was only my second time there.  The food was amazing.  We got the breakfast burrito smothered in sausage gravy!  Why didn't I take a picture of it?  hahaha... so good.

Yesterday I decided rather suddenly to go to a widow support group lunch.  I'm glad I went even though it was still a bit awkward.  Maybe if I keep doing things they will become a little easier.  After lunch I visited with John, and it was nice catching up with him.  

Last Sunday I went to Rush Creek to hear Kyle's Sunday School lesson.  He did an amazing job teaching.  He's so smart.  Great job, Kyle!  

 Today I have a man coming over to measure for carpeting.  I think it will be nice and uplifting to make some cosmetic changes to the house to maybe make it feel more like my home, and hopefully that will help with the healing process.  All of these decisions and changes are hard, but I keep asking the Lord to help me and guide me to give me the right direction for my life.  This is still all so new to me but eventually I want to get to the point where I can wake up in the morning without being afraid to face the day, or go to bed without being scared.  I think that will take a while, so, as they say, "one day at a time".

Ryan turned 32!

We celebrated Ryan's birthday by playing Oculus and eating amazing pizza, (which I forgot to get a picture of) going for a walk, and moving Darryl's bedroom furniture to the garage so I can begin working on that bedroom makeover.

Birthday guy 💖

 Ryan, I pray you have the best year yet.  Can't wait to see all the Lord does in your life.

Things that make me smile or cry

Some misc shots of things that make me smile. 

Babysitting Winnie.  

Visits from kids.

Singing with Ryan (practicing hymns that we will do at Frontline next week).

I get really sad when I think about Darryl.  It's been 4 months and I am still having so much trouble accepting this new reality.  The human brain can hardly allow this much pain in all at once.  That's why they say the grief comes in waves; because that's all you can handle.  I decided to try writing a song about it.  It was meant to be an encouraging song about how Jesus carries me through my grief, but no matter, I still end up crying just trying to sing about it.  

I spent most of January looking for a new home because I just wanted to run away from all the pain and memories here.  But I realized running won't help.  In fact, it would probably plunge me into a whole other realm of chaos and confusion.  So, instead of moving, I have decided to redecorate Darryl's bedroom and just "move" to the other side of the house.  When I'm done it will be spring and I will be outside in the sun working and playing, and hopefully I can begin to feel alive again, and figure out who I am as a single woman.  It's so scary, but what choice do I have?

Jesus Carries Me