falling, falling, falling...

This is my burning bush.  I love how it turns a pretty red in the fall.  It's kinda funny how fall falls into winter, isn't it?  At first, everything is colorful, cheerful, and beautiful.  There are lots of ooohs and aahhhs... But then what happens?  The beauty literally dies... and falls off.  The landscape becomes empty, cold, and dark.  Life ends...hopes and dreams end...everything falls away.

It makes me sad.

I don't know where we will be living this winter, or next spring.  My brain is handling it quite well on most days...but some days get pretty bad.

There is sadness by staying here in NJ.
There is sadness by leaving NJ.

Which sadness will be less?

And even if I knew the answer to that, there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm just trying to get through my days without having a melt down.

I'm falling...broken.
Pick me up, God.

I'm lost...invisible.
Shine in me, God.

I need a reason to sing.
You are worthy, God.

laying down some bass

My friend Mike came over the other night to lay down some bass guitar tracks for a few songs I recorded.  He got done 2 out of 3 songs, which isn't bad for 2 hours of work.  I appreciate him so much.  Here is a guy who is busy going around playing with bands, playing at church, he has a son and a full time job, and still makes time to do a nice thing for me because he sees my potential.  I don't know anyone else who is kind and selfless like that.  In comparison, some musicians won't even acknowledge me.

He told me that I made a mistake on one of the songs... he said I lagged slightly when coming in.  He said that I'm doing really good though, and told me it's a lot harder to play by yourself.  When you play by yourself all the time, you don't have anyone to ask, "Hey, how does this part go?"  or, "I'm having trouble with the timing, can you help me with that?"  When you play by yourself all the time, you develop bad habits, which can be hard to break.  He said the way to get better fast, and have better rhythm, is to play with other musicians.  Well, guess what?  I've known that for a long time!  That's why I did so much better when I played guitar with Ryan when we led worship at my church the couple of times I did it with him.  If I got stuck on a part of the song, Ryan could give me a bit of help with it.  But sadly, those days are long gone now.  And my church isn't interested in spending any time or effort to grow their music team.  So any opportunities I get to sing and play with others won't happen until I move to Michigan.  Even if I only got to sing and play once a month with Ryan's praise band, that is once a month more experience than I get now!  And plus, just being around other talented musicians who also care about me as a musician and take me seriously is a great boost for my confidence level.  The encouragement I got in Michigan was so much greater.  The folks in the music ministry out there actually ASKED me to lead songs, and said I was doing a good job!  I was told I have a beautiful voice, and was encouraged to sing with them.  Completely opposite of what I'm used to.

A few people at church agreed 6 months ago that I wasn't "ready" to sing on stage.  Was it because I didn't have enough experience?  Or did they just think my voice sucked? My question is, how do you get better when they won't even let you sing or play once a month to get the experience?  It's a no-win situation...especially when there are others who wanted me on stage.  If they would have given me the opportunity 6 months ago, just think how much experience I could have gained by now!  What a waste.

Darryl reminded me that in every venture in my life where I have put my mind to it, I have excelled, even going beyond those who have years of so-called experience.  I had zero experience with programming, but I managed to streamline the work of organizations I worked for... cutting down weeks of work into a few clicks of the mouse.  Rather than being promoted to a higher position and being recognized for my accomplishments, I ended up having to train my bosses at a few of my jobs!  I had zero experience with homeschooling, but I managed to get my kids through college with high honors!  (And that from someone who had originally dropped out of high school!)  I had zero experience with Publisher or PowerPoint, and now I'm great at doing bulletins and slides for church, among many other things I've never had experience at before.  In all these things, and more, I taught myself and excelled!

So what if I haven't had "experience" with singing or playing on stage?  And just because someone does have a lot of experience up on stage doesn't mean they are good.  Experience is not the end-all criteria for doing a great job.  You will never convince me otherwise.

That being said, I do believe getting experience can be beneficial..  What good would all the programming in the world be if I hadn't had a place to use it?  What good would Publisher and PowerPoint be if I had no place to use it?  Going back to what Mike said: playing guitar with others will make me better.  But dang, Michigan is a long way off.

Looking forward to what God will do with me.  I know there is an opportunity to sing and play and worship out there...somewhere...it's just a matter of God moving me to it.  I will spend as many hours as possible learning to play and sing better each day.   I will continue doing the best I can for kids club, even with it's own set of challenges and conditions... like playing alone, and having distractions.

kids club ~

I'm the one with the white hair...

So, here I am acting as temporary worship leader for our kids club.  Pastor Karl randomly snapped these and gave them to me.  It will be nice to look back on these days and remember doing this.  Now I just need a few pictures of me playing guitar there.   It has been a good outlet for me to have a place to play guitar and actually be allowed to play and sing some contemporary Christian songs, rather than a steady diet of little kid songs.

In other news, I've got 2 more songs in the recording works.  I'm having a ton of fun and frustration, and satisfaction when I figure things out, or get something right.  I do work hard and long.  I am putting in many hours, and making progress.  I'm thrilled that Mike D is coming over to lay down some bass guitar tracks for me.  Super excited to hear how the songs sound after that.  I'm definitely lacking instruments.  It's too bad I left my keyboard and a few other useful items in Michigan.  But I will take advantage of whatever instruments I can find in NJ, even if it's just a tin can filled with rice...  haha

my little red car

I brought my new car home today.  It's so pretty!  I cleaned out 1/2 of the garage and put it safely inside.  This car is so nice to drive.  Real happy I picked this one.

I've also been very happy with the nice compliments I've received on my last song recording.  3 of my vocal coaches, a couple of people from church, friends and family all liked it very much.  The comments that people gave me were very encouraging and makes me look forward to recording my next song all the more.  No time today...maybe tomorrow?

Fall Afresh

Here is the song I recorded the other day.

last minute Michigan memories

this was our last lunch together before the tears started flowing

Kyle's room

 The purpose of this photo is to remind me how we left the room after his big make-over.  I am disappointed that I forgot to get a picture of Ryan's room.  The only reason is because I didn't think to take pictures when I said goodbye to the basement.

saying goodbye to the new glider on the deck

goodbye my Music room, not to be confused with Ryan's studio

goodbye to my beautiful rose

We had a very busy week in Michigan.  It's so different there.  We were so busy, literally every day.  Going places, doing things...got a lot of work done.  Got to visit with people.  Had a wonderful praise band party, and forgot to take pictures.  Unfortunately, I had no opportunities to sing with Ryan the whole week.

It was ridiculously sad for me to leave.  But here I am back in NJ and living the life.   I think our Kids Club at church is going really well this year.  The 2 weeks that I have been there have been nice, as I'm having a little freedom with the songs.  I'm hoping to get as much experience as I can.  It's absolutely impossible to "get experience" if no one gives you the opportunity to "get experience."  I mean, seriously...  So, if doing Kids Club is where God can use me in this season of my life, it's where I will do my best until He moves me.  And frankly, at this point in my life, maybe there are literally no other opportunities coming my way.  Somehow, God will have to make me OK with that.  I am beginning to think my only purpose in life is to make other people's lives better.   That seems to be what God uses me for.

Today I recorded one of my favorite songs.  Don't ask me how many favorites I have because there are too many.  I really want to record more songs because it forces me to listen to my voice and see where it needs improvement.  If I don't record myself then I can't hear what others hear.  So, this is good for me.

I haven't really been praying that our house in NJ would sell quickly.  I've had this attitude all along that God would just do whatever He wants, in His own good timing.  I'm afraid to pray.  I have no idea what His will is.  What if I storm the gates of heaven with a prayer request only to be granted it at the wrong time?  But yesterday I did pray that it would hurry up and sell...only to regret that prayer.  Prayer is so confusing to me.  How can I ask God for something when I don't know what the right thing is?  Maybe there is a reason He wants me to stay here for a teeny bit longer?  How do I know?  Having access to the Throne Room of God can be a scary opportunity.

Art Prize 2015

Adam

Petoskey Stone 

Bunnies

I am the butterfly

animals in cages

car art

Troll bridge (trash to treasure)

Kyle and Hil, Seasons

flamingoes

fingerprints

flamingoes

Ascension

Unbridled (Darryl said this reminds him of me)

free falling

Eagle

sand sculpture

why so serious?

lost in the maze

me and Kav

pioneers

Roo and DJ

Reach and Splash

the maze

tic tac toe

weird guy

Wood Waterfall - Amos 5:24

zebras

Here are some random shots of Art Prize from both days that we went.  I feel like there weren't as many exhibits this year, and they were also more spread out through the city, which meant a lot more walking.   I'm thinking they wanted to have people keep coming back and spending money on parking and food more than just on one day to be able to see more of it.  I liked the way they did it last year better.   But still it was a a lot of fun, and a cool thing to do at night.  Grand Rapids is such a great city.  We really like it here.  We never do things in NJ.  There is so much to do here.   There are always people singing downtown, and there was an open mic, and people hanging around doing stuff.  Just a really super cool place to be, without traffic, and only about 10 minutes from our home.  The boys ran into people that they knew, which I think is pretty common.

It's also really cool that when I watch the local news and weather, they literally are talking about my local area.   It's not like hearing news in NY while I'm in NJ.

Been so sweet to be here.  Tomorrow is the praise band party at our house.  So looking forward to it, and getting to know the others who are in the ministry.  Will be a nice time of fellowship and learning.