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| John Records took this picture during The Love of God |
Today I read a meme that felt all too true to me. It said: "I'm living to make you proud of me! I want you to look down upon me, saying, "That's my girl!" Especially when Ryan and I sang, because Darryl was always my biggest cheerleader and encourager. But also with just the day to days things.
I don't believe that Darryl is up there actually looking down on me, but it is crazy that I feel like I go through my days thinking "I wish he could see how strong and brave I am. I wish he could see how I handled this or that." And I know he can't hear me, but that doesn't stop me from talking to him at random times during the day. And I do wonder what he would think if he could see all the stuff I have to do each day. I think in the back of my mind how I want him to be proud of me for getting so much done. And sometimes I yell at him for leaving me. Sometimes when I'm talking to God I ask him to talk to Darryl and tell him what I'm doing. I know these things may seem silly, but they help me to survive. It's been just about 5 months and I still can't really think about him or talk about him much or I'll well up with tears.
I have a lot of projects going on in the house right now. These things are healing to me and helping me to feel at home in this house. I'm trying to make it MY home, and it's been both fun and quite challenging. I don't know if I'm making good decisions or bad decisions but I'm trusting God to lead me and guide me and even protect me from anyone trying to give me wrong advice. I know I'm not always thinking clearly but I am facing each day and trying my best to continue on to the next day, and the next...
And pretty soon it will be spring, and then summer when I will have to face many memories. It is all pretty terrifying. But God...
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