I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but I think the trip to Michigan started it. Having 2 run-ins with the in-laws, and being devastated about how my nephew is treated didn’t help much at all. Came home tired and upset. Found out my garden is dying because of too much rain. Found out my daughter is posting bad stuff about me on Facebook. My son is missing his friends in Michigan. I’m too far away from my church to have any close friends there. Feeling left out and isolated like nobody wants me around. Feeling like I give and work and serve, but don’t get much in return. So many things going through my mind. You could say I have been depressed lately.
*although not everything was bad on our trip! We got to participate in the GenerationNEXT retreat with the kids, which was awesome! It was indeed nice that parents were welcome to attend!!
Where do those thoughts come from? I don’t know for sure. It’s either Satan trying to bring me down, or it’s God putting me in a place of needing Him more, which is probably a good place to be because I had thoughts of throwing in the towel. (No, I am not suicidal, just means giving up)
So, here I am at a ladies retreat that I did NOT want to come to. Spending all day in a car full of ladies was pretty tricky. Lots of conversations going on and not entirely sure what to say a lot of the time. Of course I never was good at group situations because my voice doesn’t get heard. When there are “talkers” around, my voice is easily trampled and become useless.
Anyway, last night we had a session on seeing ourselves as God sees us. It was very good. The speaker talked about wrong perceptions and wrong thinking that causes insecurity, inferiority, and inadequacies. Seems to be right up my alley, huh? Even though most everything I’m thinking is true, I need to learn to deal with it better. I think it’s funny that there is a seminar today called Learning Patience in God’s Waiting Room.
I always believed that God didn’t put friends in my life because they would be too distracting for me. I didn’t want to become the kind of woman that always got on the phone or ran to a friend if I had a problem. I think too many times women especially do that instead of running to the Lord. I think in a lot of ways, being alone with my boys was the best thing for all of us because we didn’t have outside influences or other people’s thoughts and ideas weighing on us. I always believed that when it was in God’s perfect time, there would be a good friend for me. I still believe that, but sometimes when I’m sad and lonely I get frustrated and feel like nobody wants me around, and that I’m just being used. And the fact still remains that I’ll never live closer to church, so I’ll never have good friends there, or get invited to things. Such is life. I prayed and prayed to belong to that church, and now that I do, I’m kind stuck in limbo land. I manage to get there to serve and give, but not to have fellowship or grow in personal relationships. You could say I don’t get to do the fun stuff, and it really does crush my heart.
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